The truth is

I hate living in Logan.

When I first moved here I was excited and hopeful that 

I'd make so many new friends, I'd have great experiences, I'd love my classes.

Sadly, that is not the case.

I tried to be outgoing for the first month.

I went to dances, barbecues, bingo nights, pancake parties, study groups.

But it just became hard.

I have never been that person that befriends everyone in the room.

I've had the same best friends since 8th grade.

And I miss them. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my family.

So much.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to leave the people I love.

Everyday seems worse than the last.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

Maybe I've given up too early.

All I know is that my heart has been hurting for the past three months.

So here I am.

Alone. Depressed. Passionless. Angry
My eyes are red and blotchy as I write this post.

Longing for the place I call home and the people I cherish.

Good Morning?

What would you say if you had gotten a text from me at 4:30 am that said

"So kinda chop cheese off just to fit into the oil. All just oil :)"

Well I didn't just make that up.

(I don't think anyone could make that nonsense up)

I actually sent those exact words to the boyfriend.

I would give myself funny looks but Jake said he still loved me.

And just so you guys can get a peek at what my dreams are like,

here is a poorly photoshopped picture for you.

I am quite impressed with my half asleep spelling abilities though.

Sleep talkling?

Psh. 

Sleep texting.

Conversations of my life

I work at a place called Pizza Plus.

Today an old man came into the store to pick up his medium pizza.

This is how our conversation went.

**OM stands for old man**

OM: I'm here to pick up my pizza young lady.

Me: Okay, what's your name sir?

OM: Well it's the pizza waiting for me. I'm the only person here!

Me: Ohh kay. *grabs pizza out of the warmer* Is this it?

OM: *slams check on counter* It sure it. Was that so hard? I also want a drink. 

**he didn't order a drink so I proceeded to go into the computer and change his total**

OM: Now you don't need to go into the computer for that. I did it in my head and that is enough for a drink. I'm pretty fast huh? Don't need a damn computer. And here's a tip for you! *hands me a quarter*

Me: Oh thanks! Yeah you're right and smarter than a computer. *hands him his cup, start to walk away*

OM: Have you seen all the damn gunk in this valley today?

Me: Well I haven't been outside for a couple of hours. Is it bad?

OM: You need to go out the door and see all the gunk. Yes, go out that door and see for yourself!

Me: *proceed to be confused and look outside* Wow that is bad...yuck.

OM: So where do you live?

Me: I live in Logan but I'm originally from Pleasant Grove.

OM: Well you need to move here! There are some crazy people in Logan and especially PG.

Me: But I like it there...

OM: No. No no. Just get out of there as fast as you can.

Me: Okay, we'll see.

OM: What are you thinking about studying?

Me: Psychology. It sounds fun.

OM: You don't want to do that! There are already enough damn crazy people in this world we don't need to look into their heads. I taught a construction class at Bridgerland for 18 years and do you know what I would say to my students every day? If you have this *points to head* up this *points to butt* then there's to door. And you know what? I have 6 students that are worth 20 million dollars.

Me: That is so good for them. But I still think psychology sounds interesting.

**a girl walks into the store to order bread sticks**

OM: *to the girl* Do you know what this lady wants to go into? Psychology! But you know that knowledge isn't going to be useful in the next life. We're all going to have celestial minds and we're not gonna need anyone to analyze our heads! Damn crazy people. Why would you want to do that!

Me:......yeah...I've got to go make some pizzas so enjoy your dinner! *thinking to myself runrunrunrun*

It was great.

The funny thing is that he came in last week and we had almost the exact same conversation.

Right down to the damn crazy people.

Great fun.

Great, great fun.

I saw Michalla today for the first time.

One of the harder things I've ever had to do.

Seeing her in the hospital with tubes everywhere, bruises on her arms, in so much pain,

it finally sunk it.

I've been hoping it was a dream all week.

She has acute myeloid leukemia and will be going through

chemotherapy,

radiation,

and bone marrow transplants.

I want to throw up right now.

Or maybe cry.

She is worried about the way she'll look when her hair is gone.

She is beautiful and always will be.

Michalla is perfect and beautiful.

Dazed and Confused

Today is a blur.

My best friend was diagnosed with Leukemia this morning.

On the bright side, it is very curable.

On the down side, she has cancer.

I hate the feeling of helplessness.

There is nothing I can do but love her so much.

Love doesn't make the pain and sickness go away though.

So helpless.

My Brain Hurts

Here are some ridiculous things that plague my mind every day.

1. What group of people are turned on by drag queens? Is it gay men, straight men, lesbians....? I'm not even trying to be disrespectful, if gay dudes want to dress up like girls then that is awesome. But seriously, I need to know.

2. Why do we have the letter k? And why does ph make the f sound? Why not just stick with f? Fotografy, elefant, alfabet, pedofile, those all seem to work with out the ph..

3. What happens to someones facebook/twitter/blog/social-network-whatever when they die? And what would I do if I saw them post something like 4 years after being buried? (probably pass out)

4. Was this song composed by Danny Elfman?